Partial Recapitulation

Years come and years go. Usually I’ll have something “smart” to say after that phrase, but I’m out of words.

I haven’t been active on my blog for a while now. But even so sooo much has happened. Living by my theory of life being a “beautiful chaos” I must say I stand true to my belief. This year started in an awesome way and is ending in a way I cannot complain. I can say I am personally at a different place in my life then I would have even thought I would be then. But that’s not why you guys are here reading this, so enough about me. Let’s get to it.

Have you ever met someone at a point of your life when you thought they were just some random person that you might never see again? You are currently at a point in your life where things are confusing. Where you are struggling through a currently relationship difficulty and you meet someone who calls your attention, still you fight not to do anything about it because you know better. Anyway, all this happens so far away so you are almost sure that nothing will become of it. Somehow this person doesn’t really leave your mind. Even though you have ignored them and fooled yourself on believing that the memory of them is gone, it hasn’t left. You have gone back home, you have fixed your relationship issues.

Over a short period of time later: you have graduated from college, you have found a good job, but now… now you are single. Things have finally gone the way you were always hoping they would’t. Deep inside you know the possibilities of this outcome were high, you gambled, and you lost. You lost a relationship, but most of all you lost a great friendship which was before that. You manage to finally get over it after prior lessons, but you know that you do not wish for the same to repeat. So, you come to a conclusion of what it truly is you think you want. You want to get to know someone over a long period of time before you make up your mind about them; exclusively, and thats where it hits you.

The memory of that person you met half a year ago floats to the surface of your mind; her face, her voice, things that attract you in a way that you believe compliments you. So, you reach out. Skipping and erasing everything I just wrote, you guys end up trying something that you both are not exactly on the same page. After all this “knowing exactly what you want” kakamaka, you end up screwing up that. What exactly? Well, something that wasn’t yet was because words mean too much to you, and the boundaries you drew with them were theoretically broken and you through a fit out of rage, confusion, irritation.

There you sit, alone, just you and your thoughts. What has this year brought for you?

Oh Yeah, I’ve grown up. (sigh)

“Someone That Night Did Pray for Me”

Alone in the darkness of my soul
I fell into the grasp of the wicked side in me
The pain and anger did take its toll
And I the demon did let go

Lashing out as if the end was near
The edge of words I did set free
Let loose, let go, I did it for the world to hear
And it did hurt the one who meant the world to me

No not just one, and not just two
I mainly damaged my own puffed self
But here I am writing to You
The one I set aside on a shelf

Oh Dear God, can you hear me please
I am ashamed of who I am
I close my eyes just to open with no peace
Only to find that to myself I’ve been a scam

Yet here I was in the depth of rage
Broke the grip that held me back
Closed the door to the pleading voice
And opened my soul to feel the black

I walked a length not far away,
I felt the breeze hit on my face
As if there was no heat that day
And all was quickly out of place

Here I stood in utter distraught
The screams of another not far away
Not a whisper of peace in mind was caught
For there was only one word I could say

Yet in the deepest of my pain
I went back to brake ones shattered world
I let loose as a summer rain
And all the sharpened words I hurled

I tossed them here and tossed them there
I couldn’t care what came out the least
Yet she took me in and stroke my hair
She lied so that I would feel the least

I never did believe in lies
No not even the ones they call white
Yet for another’s far broken heart
For one white lie I now would fight

While I was thinking of that one word
Someone knelt and prayed for me:
‘Oh dear God, please watch for Jeff,
let him get home with the protection from thee.’

I who profess to believe in you
Did not care to ask of thee
Yet someone that night
Did pray for me.

I’m poor at words. Being able to truly write is not something easy. The above is not written over a period of hours, it just happens. At times it takes situations in life to bring out what we try so hard to do when all is good. Yet, true inspiration does not lie in everything we see. It’s usually that one thing, that one person that makes us believe in the possibilities of the impossible. 

I have done things I’m not proud of, but even then I am not able to fully explain how I feel. I wish to have the words, but most times the words that come out of my mouth are irrelevant about the few I have inside. 

I wish to be a better me, I wish to be what I know I can achieve, yet I am afraid of who I am. It’s a burden to know that being who you are can cause damages it should not. To care when you shouldn’t (“over-care”), to care when it hurts, to act as no one should because you have fallen captive to the feeling of despair, is no way anyone should act. 

The line of distinction between care and let live must be drawn. To respect a life is far more important than to constantly shadow it with what one likes to call care. 

Live and let live. One day, someday that person might see what you are unable to reveal of what you wish them to know. Maybe one day they will see that the terrible side that has been drawn out is a cry of dispair from a torn scar into the one who you are trying so hard to hide. Yet, there is no excuse. 

Love life, love others; live and let live. 

(Somewhere in Europe, 2015)

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