Reflections

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’m not sure why it is. I can tell you I have thought several times about it, and I might have a few dozen rough drafts saved in my notes… but I haven’t followed through.

The year is near ended, and a lot has happened. From start to near end, I can say the things that have happened I never saw coming. I usually like to have a rough picture of the things I would like to get through. Even though I do have rough sketched out plans, there is much I do not plan for, and that is intentional.

One thing I have found myself learning over and over is dealing with those things which have happened. Whether great or not there is always one outlooks we can have towards it. If we always make it through to feel either of the mentioned, we can be grateful, thankful that even though it was bad, we are here. If it’s good, that we are here. Here and looking at either the mess or the beauty of what just happened.

Watching studies on progress, I can across a lecture on time. A brief explanation which made me think, with a visual representation, on what it truly is to get a grasp of what is ahead rather than what is behind. Picturing an hourglass with sand on either end. If we spend our time on the things which have happened either good or bad the dirt keeps flowing. Now, I’m not saying reflecting is bad. After all, that is a portion of what is being spoken about here. But as the sand keeps flowing and our minds are on the sand at the bottom, we are gradually loosing those opportunities which are still flying by.

Anyways, that was how part of my year was spent, praying to have my head in the right place; facing ahead. There is a beauty in solving and learning and the eagerness of it all that some things become too simplistic. That has often times leads to judgment of others peoples progress on things we have flown through. Considering that we are all different, unique, and have different background that have shaped us and molded us into the people we are now, it is rather selfish to consider anyone less qualified or less of anything to be where they are in progress. Speaking about change, disappointment, achievements, there are those things we can definitely not change but can have an impact on. That impact can lead to a change. Being disappointed by people around us, or irritated, can be something that happens at times, or apparently, often. Now this can be viewed in different perspectives, but I will write of one. Being and introvert, socializing is something I have learned. I have placed myself into the shoes of a social animal and experienced it to its fullest. But lately, with the years and events, socializing has become rather a “luxury” in the fact that it has been almost none existent in my life. What is that to me? It’s ok. I don’t mind it. But having learned how socializing can have more than positive effects (healthy socializing), I have been reflecting on my current limited “social” interactions. At work we are surrounded by our coworkers. Working together is part of the job (bluntly put). Not socializing out of work has lead to my social irritations to become more … more sensitive. If your are a introvert as I am, you will understand what I mean. Probably. I am fascinated how people function. Seeing there actions and wondering the whole mental progress that went on for such things to happen; cause and effect. Now, when it comes to those whom I’m quick to judge based on “slow progress”, I am quickly irritated that such things happen. This takes its toll and I become quickly engulfed in the full feels of irritation. Talk about cause and effect, the only cause here is what effects or impact such actions have for me, but talking about our personal impact and things we can or cannot change, etc. I often fail to put that into practice. The question here should be: what can I do to change it? and if not change, what can I do to improve the situation? What can be done? Irritation was my default. Thoughts: oh I have to work with some _____, whatever those thoughts may be. This neither help to improve the situation, nor have positive effects on it. The chance for a healthy impact have been ruined. Well, in short, not always are those around us going to make our life easier. It’s not about the “me”, and the “I”, nor the “myself”. It’s about how can service to others, the impact we can have help in our goal for progress.

I feel like this blog might be a long one, so I’ll probably stop right here. Will part two come around? I can’t say. But I will say this, I am thankful to God for where I am, for that is only where He has allowed me to be and often times because of the several choices I have made I might not be ideal where I could have been, but He has never left me.

Hope all is well with you my friends, and till next time, stay golden.

(California, July 2021)

Partial Recapitulation

Years come and years go. Usually I’ll have something “smart” to say after that phrase, but I’m out of words.

I haven’t been active on my blog for a while now. But even so sooo much has happened. Living by my theory of life being a “beautiful chaos” I must say I stand true to my belief. This year started in an awesome way and is ending in a way I cannot complain. I can say I am personally at a different place in my life then I would have even thought I would be then. But that’s not why you guys are here reading this, so enough about me. Let’s get to it.

Have you ever met someone at a point of your life when you thought they were just some random person that you might never see again? You are currently at a point in your life where things are confusing. Where you are struggling through a currently relationship difficulty and you meet someone who calls your attention, still you fight not to do anything about it because you know better. Anyway, all this happens so far away so you are almost sure that nothing will become of it. Somehow this person doesn’t really leave your mind. Even though you have ignored them and fooled yourself on believing that the memory of them is gone, it hasn’t left. You have gone back home, you have fixed your relationship issues.

Over a short period of time later: you have graduated from college, you have found a good job, but now… now you are single. Things have finally gone the way you were always hoping they would’t. Deep inside you know the possibilities of this outcome were high, you gambled, and you lost. You lost a relationship, but most of all you lost a great friendship which was before that. You manage to finally get over it after prior lessons, but you know that you do not wish for the same to repeat. So, you come to a conclusion of what it truly is you think you want. You want to get to know someone over a long period of time before you make up your mind about them; exclusively, and thats where it hits you.

The memory of that person you met half a year ago floats to the surface of your mind; her face, her voice, things that attract you in a way that you believe compliments you. So, you reach out. Skipping and erasing everything I just wrote, you guys end up trying something that you both are not exactly on the same page. After all this “knowing exactly what you want” kakamaka, you end up screwing up that. What exactly? Well, something that wasn’t yet was because words mean too much to you, and the boundaries you drew with them were theoretically broken and you through a fit out of rage, confusion, irritation.

There you sit, alone, just you and your thoughts. What has this year brought for you?

Oh Yeah, I’ve grown up. (sigh)