Reflections

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’m not sure why it is. I can tell you I have thought several times about it, and I might have a few dozen rough drafts saved in my notes… but I haven’t followed through.

The year is near ended, and a lot has happened. From start to near end, I can say the things that have happened I never saw coming. I usually like to have a rough picture of the things I would like to get through. Even though I do have rough sketched out plans, there is much I do not plan for, and that is intentional.

One thing I have found myself learning over and over is dealing with those things which have happened. Whether great or not there is always one outlooks we can have towards it. If we always make it through to feel either of the mentioned, we can be grateful, thankful that even though it was bad, we are here. If it’s good, that we are here. Here and looking at either the mess or the beauty of what just happened.

Watching studies on progress, I can across a lecture on time. A brief explanation which made me think, with a visual representation, on what it truly is to get a grasp of what is ahead rather than what is behind. Picturing an hourglass with sand on either end. If we spend our time on the things which have happened either good or bad the dirt keeps flowing. Now, I’m not saying reflecting is bad. After all, that is a portion of what is being spoken about here. But as the sand keeps flowing and our minds are on the sand at the bottom, we are gradually loosing those opportunities which are still flying by.

Anyways, that was how part of my year was spent, praying to have my head in the right place; facing ahead. There is a beauty in solving and learning and the eagerness of it all that some things become too simplistic. That has often times leads to judgment of others peoples progress on things we have flown through. Considering that we are all different, unique, and have different background that have shaped us and molded us into the people we are now, it is rather selfish to consider anyone less qualified or less of anything to be where they are in progress. Speaking about change, disappointment, achievements, there are those things we can definitely not change but can have an impact on. That impact can lead to a change. Being disappointed by people around us, or irritated, can be something that happens at times, or apparently, often. Now this can be viewed in different perspectives, but I will write of one. Being and introvert, socializing is something I have learned. I have placed myself into the shoes of a social animal and experienced it to its fullest. But lately, with the years and events, socializing has become rather a “luxury” in the fact that it has been almost none existent in my life. What is that to me? It’s ok. I don’t mind it. But having learned how socializing can have more than positive effects (healthy socializing), I have been reflecting on my current limited “social” interactions. At work we are surrounded by our coworkers. Working together is part of the job (bluntly put). Not socializing out of work has lead to my social irritations to become more … more sensitive. If your are a introvert as I am, you will understand what I mean. Probably. I am fascinated how people function. Seeing there actions and wondering the whole mental progress that went on for such things to happen; cause and effect. Now, when it comes to those whom I’m quick to judge based on “slow progress”, I am quickly irritated that such things happen. This takes its toll and I become quickly engulfed in the full feels of irritation. Talk about cause and effect, the only cause here is what effects or impact such actions have for me, but talking about our personal impact and things we can or cannot change, etc. I often fail to put that into practice. The question here should be: what can I do to change it? and if not change, what can I do to improve the situation? What can be done? Irritation was my default. Thoughts: oh I have to work with some _____, whatever those thoughts may be. This neither help to improve the situation, nor have positive effects on it. The chance for a healthy impact have been ruined. Well, in short, not always are those around us going to make our life easier. It’s not about the “me”, and the “I”, nor the “myself”. It’s about how can service to others, the impact we can have help in our goal for progress.

I feel like this blog might be a long one, so I’ll probably stop right here. Will part two come around? I can’t say. But I will say this, I am thankful to God for where I am, for that is only where He has allowed me to be and often times because of the several choices I have made I might not be ideal where I could have been, but He has never left me.

Hope all is well with you my friends, and till next time, stay golden.

(California, July 2021)

Partial Recapitulation

Years come and years go. Usually I’ll have something “smart” to say after that phrase, but I’m out of words.

I haven’t been active on my blog for a while now. But even so sooo much has happened. Living by my theory of life being a “beautiful chaos” I must say I stand true to my belief. This year started in an awesome way and is ending in a way I cannot complain. I can say I am personally at a different place in my life then I would have even thought I would be then. But that’s not why you guys are here reading this, so enough about me. Let’s get to it.

Have you ever met someone at a point of your life when you thought they were just some random person that you might never see again? You are currently at a point in your life where things are confusing. Where you are struggling through a currently relationship difficulty and you meet someone who calls your attention, still you fight not to do anything about it because you know better. Anyway, all this happens so far away so you are almost sure that nothing will become of it. Somehow this person doesn’t really leave your mind. Even though you have ignored them and fooled yourself on believing that the memory of them is gone, it hasn’t left. You have gone back home, you have fixed your relationship issues.

Over a short period of time later: you have graduated from college, you have found a good job, but now… now you are single. Things have finally gone the way you were always hoping they would’t. Deep inside you know the possibilities of this outcome were high, you gambled, and you lost. You lost a relationship, but most of all you lost a great friendship which was before that. You manage to finally get over it after prior lessons, but you know that you do not wish for the same to repeat. So, you come to a conclusion of what it truly is you think you want. You want to get to know someone over a long period of time before you make up your mind about them; exclusively, and thats where it hits you.

The memory of that person you met half a year ago floats to the surface of your mind; her face, her voice, things that attract you in a way that you believe compliments you. So, you reach out. Skipping and erasing everything I just wrote, you guys end up trying something that you both are not exactly on the same page. After all this “knowing exactly what you want” kakamaka, you end up screwing up that. What exactly? Well, something that wasn’t yet was because words mean too much to you, and the boundaries you drew with them were theoretically broken and you through a fit out of rage, confusion, irritation.

There you sit, alone, just you and your thoughts. What has this year brought for you?

Oh Yeah, I’ve grown up. (sigh)

“Today, I Will.”

Who knows you better then you? 

Yes you reading this rite now

You are the only one who knows you best

Yet, more then you do, you don’t

Still every morning you look into the mirror and you tell yourself “Today I Will”

As quick as yesterday has flown by 

Today becomes yesterday

You lay on your bed at night and stare into the black above

As if looking for an answer to life

The failures of the day overshadow the good

The people you have let down

The chances you missed to be who you really wanted

You question why, how, when, maybe?..

Yet all these questions drown out the fact that you were you

You tried, you failed 

Still, you try desperately to find an anchor to the choices you made

As a ship tossed in the stormy ocean of life

You feel as if all is lost

The questions to the every act you made drown out every “rock” that holds you firm

You become lost in the black created by your own making

The smiles you have had quickly vanish

The people you have helped seem to disappear

The only thing remaining are the answerd

How, when, maybe?…

You toss and turn

Reliving every decision made

In panic, you try to count the times you have felt sure

One, two, maybe three?..

Before you can get to four, your mind now exhausted from the day, submit to the desperate cry of rest coming from your every cell

You wake up in the morning

The thoughts of last night try to invade your mildly rested mind

Yet you get up

You walk to the mirror

You give yourself a splash and stare into the eyes you have repeated over and over

As if failure has never been a thought in your mind

You grab onto the single thread of hope

You tell yourself once again

Today I will learn from tomorrow

Today I will build on the foundations of yesterday

Today I will forgive myself for actions I could not explain

Today I will look forward and let go of what holds me back

Today I will strive with the best of me

Today I will let go of the uncertainty of yesterday and press into the uncertainty of the future

Today, I will.

  
(Photographic capsules, 2015)

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“Someone That Night Did Pray for Me”

Alone in the darkness of my soul
I fell into the grasp of the wicked side in me
The pain and anger did take its toll
And I the demon did let go

Lashing out as if the end was near
The edge of words I did set free
Let loose, let go, I did it for the world to hear
And it did hurt the one who meant the world to me

No not just one, and not just two
I mainly damaged my own puffed self
But here I am writing to You
The one I set aside on a shelf

Oh Dear God, can you hear me please
I am ashamed of who I am
I close my eyes just to open with no peace
Only to find that to myself I’ve been a scam

Yet here I was in the depth of rage
Broke the grip that held me back
Closed the door to the pleading voice
And opened my soul to feel the black

I walked a length not far away,
I felt the breeze hit on my face
As if there was no heat that day
And all was quickly out of place

Here I stood in utter distraught
The screams of another not far away
Not a whisper of peace in mind was caught
For there was only one word I could say

Yet in the deepest of my pain
I went back to brake ones shattered world
I let loose as a summer rain
And all the sharpened words I hurled

I tossed them here and tossed them there
I couldn’t care what came out the least
Yet she took me in and stroke my hair
She lied so that I would feel the least

I never did believe in lies
No not even the ones they call white
Yet for another’s far broken heart
For one white lie I now would fight

While I was thinking of that one word
Someone knelt and prayed for me:
‘Oh dear God, please watch for Jeff,
let him get home with the protection from thee.’

I who profess to believe in you
Did not care to ask of thee
Yet someone that night
Did pray for me.

I’m poor at words. Being able to truly write is not something easy. The above is not written over a period of hours, it just happens. At times it takes situations in life to bring out what we try so hard to do when all is good. Yet, true inspiration does not lie in everything we see. It’s usually that one thing, that one person that makes us believe in the possibilities of the impossible. 

I have done things I’m not proud of, but even then I am not able to fully explain how I feel. I wish to have the words, but most times the words that come out of my mouth are irrelevant about the few I have inside. 

I wish to be a better me, I wish to be what I know I can achieve, yet I am afraid of who I am. It’s a burden to know that being who you are can cause damages it should not. To care when you shouldn’t (“over-care”), to care when it hurts, to act as no one should because you have fallen captive to the feeling of despair, is no way anyone should act. 

The line of distinction between care and let live must be drawn. To respect a life is far more important than to constantly shadow it with what one likes to call care. 

Live and let live. One day, someday that person might see what you are unable to reveal of what you wish them to know. Maybe one day they will see that the terrible side that has been drawn out is a cry of dispair from a torn scar into the one who you are trying so hard to hide. Yet, there is no excuse. 

Love life, love others; live and let live. 

(Somewhere in Europe, 2015)

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